Top News Stories - 8/18
Another Friday, another summary of all the news that is news (other than a certain plane with reptiles on it).
Lebanese Army arrives in Southern Lebanon Says, "Gee, We should Have Come Forty Years Ago!"
For the first time in four decades the army of the Lebanese people is in southern Lebanon. In the fourth day of the Israeli-Hezbollah ceasefire, the Lebanon army arrived to the cheers of the people of southern Lebanon. In the upcoming comedy sketch, "Who's Disarming Hezbollah?" (akin to the classic 'Who's on First?') France will be playing the part of "Not us!." France was expected to be the leader of the United Nations Peace Keeping Force (scheduled to assist the Lebanese army in Southern Lebanon) but decided their army was needed elsewhere (like guarding the wine) and will only send 400 troops. Bangladesh in contrast is offering 2,000 troops to the effort (mostly because they hear you can get a mean cheesesteak in southern Lebanon). Germany (another prominent European Union and United Nations member) chose not to send any troops, because let's face it, a couple of thousand German troops is not going to look like help to the Israelis.
North Korea Possibly, Maybe, Preparing for Potential Test of Supposed Nuclear Weapons
In a startling revelation from an anonymous source within the White House, unidentified intelligence officers in South Korea have gained information that may suggest North Korea is perhaps about to test a Nuclear weapon. The intelligence officers refused to confirm or deny the existence of proof but someone from my office speculated that they might have seen someone digging a tunnel and hooking up some seismic equipment. It's all possible. It's also possible that Kim Jong-Il is installing a bitchin' stereo system is his undisclosed location. Either way, watch out South Korea!
Detroit Judge Rules NSA Wiretapping is Unconstitutional, Bush Administration replies, "Nuh-uh!" U.S. District Judge Anna Diggs Taylor ruled Thursday that the President over stepped his bound when authorizing NSA warrantless wiretaps. While the administration argued that there are plenty of checks on the system, and its results speak for themselves, it also informed the court it couldn't show most of those results because it would reveal state secrets. The ACLU (bastion of truth, justice and NAMBLA) argued that the wiretaps infringe upon journalists, scholars and lawyers who only want to talk to the terrorists for educational purposes, and that their Civil Liberties as outlined in the Constitution were being infringed upon. Tony Snow, official White House spokesman had this to say, "Civil Liberties, Smivil Liberties!" Judge Taylor ordered an immediate halt to the wiretapping program but the halt is halted while awaiting appeal (so hold off on that terrorist phone call another week or so).
Ned Lamont Defeats Lieberman in Democratic Primary but Trails in General Election Poll
In other news, the sky is blue. Ned Lamont, darling of the "Bring our boys home, and then Smoke a Bowl" crowd, is trailing his newly Independent opponent Joseph Lieberman by double digits in early polls. Apparently the fact that all he can say in interviews is "Wrong War! Wrong Time!" is hindering his cross-aisle appeal. The poll was taken immediately after Lamont won the primary and before National Democrats came out in support of his candidacy, so Lieberman can look forward to an upswing in his numbers as his party leaders come out for Lamont.
Florida Republicans Looking Hard for a Katherine Harris Replacement, Find Their Idiot
Republican Congressional candidate Tramm Hudson apologized Thursday for remarks he made that many viewed as racist. He failed to apologize, however, for setting the Republican party back another five years in their effort to appeal to African-Americans. Hudson, a former military man regaled a Christian Coalition political forum with the tale of his rescue of an African-American soldier from a river in Panama 22 years ago. Hudson remarked, "...blacks aren't the best swimmers..." to which this reporter replies, "Floridians aren't the best thinkers, and they may be the worst speakers."
Edwards Says He Was Wrong on the War
As the Democratic Party continues to forget that Connecticut Democrats are not the only ones that vote for President, former Sen. (and Vice Presidential Candidate) John Edwards told three busboys and a waitress (in reality 300 people, but didn't this guy JUST run for Vice President? What happened to the crowds, John?) that he voted for the War in Iraq, but now believes he was wrong, cementing public opinion of him as a steadfast guy. While Edwards told a group of bloggers that he hadn't made a decision on whether or not to run for President in 2008, he did wear an "Edwards in '08" button, and throughout his remarks started a chant of "I'm runnin' for President! I'm runnin' for President!"
Join us next Friday for another edition of Top News Stories, and remember, if we didn't laugh at, we'd have to cry about it!
Lebanese Army arrives in Southern Lebanon Says, "Gee, We should Have Come Forty Years Ago!"
For the first time in four decades the army of the Lebanese people is in southern Lebanon. In the fourth day of the Israeli-Hezbollah ceasefire, the Lebanon army arrived to the cheers of the people of southern Lebanon. In the upcoming comedy sketch, "Who's Disarming Hezbollah?" (akin to the classic 'Who's on First?') France will be playing the part of "Not us!." France was expected to be the leader of the United Nations Peace Keeping Force (scheduled to assist the Lebanese army in Southern Lebanon) but decided their army was needed elsewhere (like guarding the wine) and will only send 400 troops. Bangladesh in contrast is offering 2,000 troops to the effort (mostly because they hear you can get a mean cheesesteak in southern Lebanon). Germany (another prominent European Union and United Nations member) chose not to send any troops, because let's face it, a couple of thousand German troops is not going to look like help to the Israelis.
North Korea Possibly, Maybe, Preparing for Potential Test of Supposed Nuclear Weapons
In a startling revelation from an anonymous source within the White House, unidentified intelligence officers in South Korea have gained information that may suggest North Korea is perhaps about to test a Nuclear weapon. The intelligence officers refused to confirm or deny the existence of proof but someone from my office speculated that they might have seen someone digging a tunnel and hooking up some seismic equipment. It's all possible. It's also possible that Kim Jong-Il is installing a bitchin' stereo system is his undisclosed location. Either way, watch out South Korea!
Detroit Judge Rules NSA Wiretapping is Unconstitutional, Bush Administration replies, "Nuh-uh!" U.S. District Judge Anna Diggs Taylor ruled Thursday that the President over stepped his bound when authorizing NSA warrantless wiretaps. While the administration argued that there are plenty of checks on the system, and its results speak for themselves, it also informed the court it couldn't show most of those results because it would reveal state secrets. The ACLU (bastion of truth, justice and NAMBLA) argued that the wiretaps infringe upon journalists, scholars and lawyers who only want to talk to the terrorists for educational purposes, and that their Civil Liberties as outlined in the Constitution were being infringed upon. Tony Snow, official White House spokesman had this to say, "Civil Liberties, Smivil Liberties!" Judge Taylor ordered an immediate halt to the wiretapping program but the halt is halted while awaiting appeal (so hold off on that terrorist phone call another week or so).
Ned Lamont Defeats Lieberman in Democratic Primary but Trails in General Election Poll
In other news, the sky is blue. Ned Lamont, darling of the "Bring our boys home, and then Smoke a Bowl" crowd, is trailing his newly Independent opponent Joseph Lieberman by double digits in early polls. Apparently the fact that all he can say in interviews is "Wrong War! Wrong Time!" is hindering his cross-aisle appeal. The poll was taken immediately after Lamont won the primary and before National Democrats came out in support of his candidacy, so Lieberman can look forward to an upswing in his numbers as his party leaders come out for Lamont.
Florida Republicans Looking Hard for a Katherine Harris Replacement, Find Their Idiot
Republican Congressional candidate Tramm Hudson apologized Thursday for remarks he made that many viewed as racist. He failed to apologize, however, for setting the Republican party back another five years in their effort to appeal to African-Americans. Hudson, a former military man regaled a Christian Coalition political forum with the tale of his rescue of an African-American soldier from a river in Panama 22 years ago. Hudson remarked, "...blacks aren't the best swimmers..." to which this reporter replies, "Floridians aren't the best thinkers, and they may be the worst speakers."
Edwards Says He Was Wrong on the War
As the Democratic Party continues to forget that Connecticut Democrats are not the only ones that vote for President, former Sen. (and Vice Presidential Candidate) John Edwards told three busboys and a waitress (in reality 300 people, but didn't this guy JUST run for Vice President? What happened to the crowds, John?) that he voted for the War in Iraq, but now believes he was wrong, cementing public opinion of him as a steadfast guy. While Edwards told a group of bloggers that he hadn't made a decision on whether or not to run for President in 2008, he did wear an "Edwards in '08" button, and throughout his remarks started a chant of "I'm runnin' for President! I'm runnin' for President!"
Join us next Friday for another edition of Top News Stories, and remember, if we didn't laugh at, we'd have to cry about it!
posted by Daddy Rogue at 2:32 AM
2 Comments:
you forgot to mention that (last i heard) the gop has declined to openly endorse the republican nominee for the connecticut senate election. the ct voters are a crafty crew; they'll elect the right guy. btw, "lieberman is hebrew for "the right guy."
you are freakin' kidding me! Lieberman is hebrew for the right guy? Wait a minute...I am incredibly gullible.
Post a Comment
<< Home